Dear neighbors, for the love of dog

I wrote this two years ago, and figure enough time has passed that I can publish it without alienating more people than I've already alienated. Names have been changed to protect the guilty; much of this is taken verbatim, or at least in spirit, from my neighborhood listserv. I found the whole thing laugh-out-loud funny, but then, I also thought Madame Dufarge did admirable work in A Tale of Two Cities, so that tells you something about the kind of person I am.

The funniest part of this was the way it ended, with one neighbor finally begging that we stop sending emails about this, and another neighbor following up with "Really!"--because there's no better way to end an email chain than by repeating requests to end it. Also, there's no better way to deal with annoying email about annoying email than to ignore all of the suggestions your neighbors have emailed about how to deal with annoying email. Oh irony, how I love thee!

==================
Friday 11/10/2017, 4:14 PM

Dear Neighbors,

I am happy for all of the dogs and dog owners who have been joyously reunited, and I sympathize with people who are searching for missing pets, but can we please agree that dog owners are grown-ups and able to send their own messages to this email list? Thanks.

 --Liz

==================
Friday 11/10/2017, 9:13 PM

Dear Neighbors,

Well I guess we answered that question! I can see that I am in the minority, and I will continue to just hit the delete key (thank you, Allyson, for reminding us where to find it). But because I clearly can't leave well enough alone, I reviewed all of the email messages sent to the Cedar Heights list in the past week, and I thought you might enjoy the stats.

· Seeking items: 3 (bike, judge's robe, easel)

· Curb alerts: 4 (bubble wrap, boxes, desk, rusty cabinet)

· Events: 3 (open house, 2 “trendy/crafty” yard sales that Wendy forwarded from the Oak Bluff list)

· Is your internet out too?: 11

· Services: 1 (tutoring)

· PSAs: 4 (vote, mitten, safety alert, paperwhites)

· Lost/found/reunited dogs: 26 (4 sent by Cedar Heights neighbors, 22 that Wendy forwarded from the Oak Bluff, Pine Grove, Peachtree Village, North Park, Duck Bend, and—WTF?—Cedar Heights neighborhood lists)

· Wishing there weren't so many forwarded emails about dogs: 2

· Gratitude that there are so many forwarded emails about dogs: 7

· Wishing people would just give it a rest: 0 so far, but I'll add them into the count and send an update if anyone sends one out before midnight tonight.

Best,
--Liz

==================
Saturday 11/11/2017, 12:03 AM

Dear Neighbors,

Numbers fans will enjoy learning that the list enjoyed 23 additional messages in the "For the Love of Dog" thread before midnight! Also, another message category has entered this week’s stats:

· Yo Moderator!: 14 (5 moderator should..., 4 who/where is moderator?, 3 there is no moderator, 2 we do/do not need moderator)

Best,
--Liz

P.S. Condolences, Phil, on the recent death of Buster. Welcome to the Cedar Heights email group. 

==================

Saturday 11/11/2017, 3:57 PM

Dear Neighbors,

This has been a lively and helpful discussion. I trust we have provided at least one sociology grad student the data s/he needs to finish that dissertation.

To summarize, advice fell into the following categories:

· Just delete them;

· Leave;

· First world problems;

· Too bad no one has ever heard of a spam filter; and

· Why do you hate dogs?

And the winner is…“Too bad no one has ever heard of a spam filter”! Alexa, you win the prize (I’ll bet you didn’t know there was a prize!). Look for it in a little baggie soon! Doug should also get a prize, for learning to recognize satire, but alas, there is only one prize.

Thanks to all who sent private messages of solidarity but were reluctant to enter the fray publicly, for obvious reasons. One such sender has reduced deletions by switching to the daily digest. She misses the hottest curb-alert booty, but her carpal tunnel is improving.

Finally, like everyone (except Dora), I am glad Rick's bees are back, safe and sound, given the many challenges bees and Rick face these days. It would have been helpful had Rick included the relevant neighborhood in his subject header (i.e. "HOME SAFE: 10,564 honey bees, Cedar Heights"), but it was a step in the right direction. Our neighbors in Oak Bluff, Pine Grove, Peachtree Village, North Park, Duck Bend, and—why the hell not—Cedar Heights will surely rejoice when Wendy forwards the message to them/us.

Best,
--Liz

==================
Saturday 11/11/2017, 11:58 PM

Dear Neighbors,

Several of you have requested that we "let sleeping dogs lie, amen/ditto/etc." I feel your pain. Have you considered switching to the daily digest, setting up a spam filter, learning to use the delete key, or leaving?

Best,
--Liz