Die Zauberkasu: An Opera in 3 Acts and 15 Minutes

My sister and I wrote an opera in 1983, when I was a first-year college student and she was in high school. We rounded up a cast and performed it at the high school's annual variety show in February 1984, and then we took it on tour to the public library and our old elementary school. The elementary school stage was in the gym. I used to have nightmares about swinging from the top of the giant rope that hung backstage; it took until I was taking college physics to realize that you can't swing from the top of a rope. I remember that before we performed at the elementary school, the cast of Die Zauberkasu asked me how big the elementary school stage was. "It's really big," I said, pointing halfway up my chest; "it's this high above the floor." When we arrived, we saw the stage didn't even come up to my knees. Apparently I had grown since 3rd grade.

As part of the snail's-pace Great Purge of 2018-2019, I decided it was time for my tape collection to move on--but what to do with The Magic Kazoo? The Kaesekaiser suggested I purchase a cassette-to-mp3 converter online.

Consequently, here, for your listening pleasure, gentle readers, is Die Zauberkasu: An Opera in 3 Acts and 15 Minutes. (Blogger doesn't allow mp3 uploads, so you have to click on the link if you want to hear it.) The libretto is below, for those who would like to sing along.

Die Zauberkasu: An Opera in 3 Acts and 15 Minutes
Libretto and music by Elizabeth Paley and Nina Paley (1983)

Original cast performance: "Big Show," 2/11/1984, University Laboratory High School, Urbana IL
Kaesekaiser: Peter McDowell
Heinrich: Andrew Reisner
Velveeta: Becky Davidson
Fondue: Richard WIlliams
Magic Fairy Elves: Lark Huang, Emily Osborn, Cynthia Chow
Ensemble: The 1984 cast of "Big Show"
Piano: Elizabeth Paley
Kazoos: Nina Paley, Sarah Baldwin
Percussion: Rick Burkhardt

[Optional: Explanatory Introduction as Orchestra Tunes]

Overture

Act I. The town of Macroni

1. Chorus: Lo Here Cometh the Kaesekaiser (Ensemble + Kaesekaiser)

Ensemble: 
Lo here cometh the Kaesekaiser, 
riding upon his royal Philly; 
he shall visit our town of Macroni 
and taste our Macronian cheese. 
[Ahh] O it would bring us nothing but bliss 
if he were to like our Swiss, 
but he may shoot it full of holes, 
oh he may shoot it full of holes.

Ensemble + Kaesekaiser: 
Lo here cometh the Kaesekaiser, 
riding upon his/my royal Philly; 
it will bring us great joy and pleasure 
to meet one as Gouda as he.

2. Chorus: Bow to the Kaesekaiser (Ensemble + Kaesekaiser) 

Kaesekaiser:
Bow to the Kaesekaiser, 
I am the Kaesekaiser, 
King of all the cheeses. 
I'm here to inspect the cheese, 
I'm here to look at Heinrich's cheese--
and other things of Heinrich's too. 
Especially the other things, 
the other things of Heinrich's too.

Ensemble + Kaesekaiser:
Bow to the Kaesekaiser, 
he is/I am the Kaesekaiser, 
King of all the cheeses. 
He's/I'm here to inspect the cheese, 
he's/I'm here to look at Heinrich's cheese--
and other things of Heinrich's too. 

3. Duet: O Velveeta/Fondue (Fondue + Velveeta)

Kaesekaiser:
Heinrich, shall we discuss the German cheese industry?

Heinrich:
Okay.

Fondue:
O Velveeta, I love you, 
I love you with all my heart. 
To me you're better than Port Salut, 
or Brie, or Cammembart.

Velveeta:
O Fonduuuuue, 
I love youuuuuu tooooo.

4. Melodrama (Heinrich, Velveeta, Kaesekaiser)

Heinrich:
Young man, my daughter is not to be cavorting around with the likes of you! Depart at once!

Velveeta:
[gasps]

Kaesekaiser:
Heinrich, shall I inspect your cheese?

Heinrich:
Okay. Here's some cheese.

Kaesekaiser:
Mmm, good.

Heinrich:
Here's some cheese.

Kaesekaiser:
Mmm, yummy.

Heinrich:
Here's some cheese.

Kaesekaiser:
That looks real tasty.

Heinrich:
Here's some cheese.

Kaesekaiser:
A little on the moldy side.

5. Recitative (Kaesekaiser + Heinrich)

Kaesekaiser:
O Heinrich! I'm willing to give your cheeses the highest of ratings--if you give me Velveeta's hand in marriage!

Heinrich:
Sure, why not? Okey fine. Alrighty. OK.

Act II. The woods outside of Macroni

1. Aria doloroso: Voe ist mich (Fondue) 

Fondue:
Voe ist mich. Mein Velveeta 
ist betrothen to the Kaesekaiser. 
Vas shall ich do? 
Ich don't know. Ich don't know. 
She ist the fairest in the land. 
How ich vish ich could vin her hand. 
How ich veep. Ich bin drowning in mein tears.
Ich bin drowning in mein tears.

2. Trio: This Is a Charmed Gold Kazoo (Magic Fairy Elves)

Magic Fairy Elves:
This is a charmed gold kazoo; 
it will bring good luck to you. 
Put your lips to it and play; 
the whole town will run away.

Act III. The town of Macroni

1. Aria: All the Town Is Happy and Joyous (Velveeta)

Velveeta:
All the town is happy and joyous, 
but I am without their glee, 
for my love is with young Fondue, 
and the Kaiser is betrothed to me. 
And my father hates my love Fondue, 
for he is better at his Kraft; 
yes, Fondue is better at his Kraft.

2. Melodrama: The handing-off

Heinrich: 
My congratulations on your happy and monetarily successful marriage! Bye bye, Velveeta! Seeya 'round!

3. Instrumental + Reprise: O Velveeta/Fondue (Fondue + Velveeta)

Fondue: [kazoo]

Velveeta (sung) + Fondue (kazoo):
O Fonduuuuuuuue! I love youuuuuuu!

3. Melodrama + Finale: O Joy! (Velveeta, Fondue, & Ensemble)

Velveeta:
Indeed! You've driven away the townspeople!

Fondue:
Golly Velveeta! Now we can get married!

Velveeta:
And we are left alone with the money and cheese shops of the townspeople!

Velveeta + Fondue:
O joy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy! 
We're joy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-ous! 
We're joyous, oh so joyous! 
We're joyous, oh so joyous! 
With a fa la la, fa la la la, fa la la la, fa la la la, fa la! 
We're joy-oy-oy-ous!

Ensemble:
We're joy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-ous! 

We're joy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oy-ous! 

We're joyous, oh so joyous! 

We're joyous, oh so joyous! 

With a fa la la, fa la la la, fa la la la, fa la la la, fa la! 

We're joy-oy-oy-ous!