The Rules of Condiments

I am getting up there in years, but I had discerned the Rules on my own by the time I was five. So had my sister, 15 months my junior, though we never spoke of them until well after we were adults. Yet we were raised by parents who had no clue, and our older brother was similarly oblivious. How did they not comprehend what is so clearly true, and good, and right?

The first Rule is this: No mayonnaise from a jar, ever. 

The second Rule follows from the first: If its ingredients are not obvious from visual inspection, do not ingest the commercial condiment. 

All other Rules follow from these two. Eat not ketchup from a bottle or plastic packet, likewise neither yellow mustard, nor homogenized ranch dressing, nor barbecue sauce. 

Know that whole-seed mustard is beloved, for it is like unto caviar for vegetarians. 

Of stone-ground mustard, be watchful: if the seeds are more than lightly crushed, let it not pass between the lips. 

Sambal oelek: beloved. Sriracha: not for eating. 

And what of pickle relish? It is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a cucumber fallen from grace, now dressed in FD&C Blue no. 1 and Yellow no. 5 and polysorbate 80. Forbidden. 

Partake then of homemade condiments. These are beloved to me, even if the ingredients evade visual identification, for who puts dicalcium sodium EDTA, high fructose corn syrup, or xanthan gum in freshly made aiolis, chutneys, or vinaigrettes? Prepare them with love; share them with friends; ingest them with joy.